Welcome to Grow Authentically: an online resource and guide to help you on your therapeutic journey.
Welcome back to the blog. If this is your first post, WELCOME! My name is La Shauna Richardson, and I am a clinical social worker. I own a private psychotherapy practice in New Jersey and full disclosure: although I’m only on my third sharing, this blog might have been the most difficult write-up so far. How so … you ask? Well, as promised, I will be sharing my true thoughts about my own first therapy experience - and I have to stay here after I do. I have no plans to quit as I’m just getting started.
DOING THE HARD THINGS
So why has this been hard to write? To start, I can confirm it’s not writer's block - although I do think that would be easier to fix! The answer is - it’s ME. A post about me was never in the equation. I was never going to write about myself; in fact, I had NO PLANS whatsoever to bring myself into the storylines. I’ve mentioned before that Grow Authentically was created to be a resource and guide - providing useful information for your therapeutic journey, (I mean it's in the heading for a reason). But here we are - because a friend and consultant of mine insisted during a planning session that sharing my experience would be beneficial to others – that, in her words, “people are going to want to know!” And as most good friends do, she made a considerable, valid point.
Even with her “great point,” all I heard was CHALLENGE in my spirit! Ugh! Why did I see this as a challenge from God? What was the big deal? “Just write about your experience with therapy. Just share your story girl, it isn't that serious.” Well for me the big deal is BOUNDARIES. Boundaries! Boundaries…, say it with me. Boundaries!!!
As a therapist, there are some professional boundaries I must keep, both ethically and legally to protect myself and my clients. As a person in the world, I also have family and friends I want to protect. I didn't want to put any of my business out in these streets. I had nothing to hide – my life is actually pretty boring! I pay my taxes and obey the laws. Does anyone care or need to know about the details of my life? I have reasonable doubt and cannot exactly confirm. Would it be worth it to possibly hurt someone by anything that I shared?
So many thoughts. So many questions. But, over time I realized that it was my hearing others’ stories & sometimes super raw truths that set me free to share my own. I realized sharing in public spaces did not have to be harmful. That it could be quite the opposite, actually. It could be healing.
This being said, the proof was in the pudding. What drove me to choose my current therapist was a story she had on her website about her own personal growth. When I read her story I thought, she gets it and I want to work with her. The rest is history & I happened to determine for a fact - that not only was she AMAZING - but she had great boundaries. So what are these boundaries, and what’s with my fixation on them? Why do I think “boundaries” are so important?
DEFINING BOUNDARIES
Oxford's learner's dictionary defines boundaries as a real or imagined line that marks the limits or edges of something and separates it from other things or places; a dividing line. It goes on to state pushing a boundary would be to attempt to go beyond what is allowed or thought to be possible.
Boundaries - and emotional ones, in particular, have the potential to create stability in relationships. Very literally, when people have clear/healthy boundaries other people know their limits. When you know someone's limits, the result is usually smoother/ healthy interactions with that person. Usually, healthy people respect known/clear boundaries and an unhealthy person may often choose to disregard. When a person has no defined limits/standards on how they treat others and allow others to treat them, it can lead to abusive relationships (in extreme cases) and toxicity, at minimum, and most often. Boundaries are foundational - worthy of an entire series; that’s how expansive and crucial I believe they are to inner healing. But for now, and by now, it’s about time I get to what these boundaries have to do with my therapy experience. Did I have issues with boundaries? Why was this blog hard to write, again? What's with all the boundary talk?
THERAPISTS ARE HUMAN NAVIGATORS
The job of the therapist is to be a guide for the client's journey. The client picks the destination & the therapist acts as a GPS. The therapist doesn’t choose the direction of the session or over-insert themselves - this would be an example of a clearly defined clinical boundary! A tangible pushing or crossing of a boundary in therapy is when a therapist overshares in a session with their client, and this is a huge and problematic no-no. Boundaries are crucial and imperative to implement, because without them, in extreme examples, it can lead to legal ramifications. A person's therapy sessions are not about the therapist and the therapist's experiences. Yet, even though this is common knowledge within our industry, this happens more often than you may think and can be very damaging.
All this being said, this blog is an extension of my practice, so it is extremely important to me that I stay in the role of guide. I think I fear pushing past that boundary. Yet the space between the rock and the hard place is that you never know your limits until you try. So here I am, trying. And, here goes:
THERAPY FOR ME
About 12 years ago, during a time of my life, where in hindsight, I wish I were more present and able to enjoy it more than I did, I found myself having anxiety attacks at work. My stomach was in constant knots, and I honestly didn't realize it was anxiety until I began therapy. I had moments of peace, but nothing sustainable.
The anxiousness was killing me from the inside out.
To the outside world, things were good and to the average person I seemed fine, maybe better than fine. But something inside of me wanted to feel better, be better, and think better of myself. I didn't know what better looked like at the time, but I knew I needed something to change. I clearly remember telling myself at Christmastime that the following year would be different, and I committed to finding a therapist that January, immediately, in the new year.
As it turned out, my situation was rare. I found a great therapist the first time out and so began my therapeutic journey. Over time, and going through the process, I eventually learned that my stress and anxieties weren’t really about work. I had poor boundaries.
There is a difference between people-pleasing and just being a caring person.
For starters, which may have been the root of my poor boundaries - I was far more concerned about making others happy than my own well-being. In my case, this unhealthy practice of people-pleasing took on many forms. On the surface, I just looked like a caring person. And to be fair to myself, I was…I am a caring person. But there is a difference between people-pleasing and just being a caring person, and for a good while, I wasn’t clear on the differentiation. It was scarily natural for me to make sure everyone around me was good at the sake of neglecting myself. I was so great at it, that it took a while for me to realize the areas in my life that had suffered from my own neglect. And I wasn’t this way with everyone. I wasn’t trying to make the whole world happy. But I did take on the responsibility for the happiness & wellness of people I loved & cared about – family & close friends. These were the people who mattered to me, and therefore their opinion of me mattered. You’d think I managed myself well as we had a very small circle, but I did not and it was exhausting! When I started therapy, my loved one’s opinions, feelings, emotions, needs, etc real or imagined seemed to consume my life. Some of them had no idea they were consuming me. I had no clearly defined boundary for them to know my limits. In working with my therapist, I discovered I didn’t leave enough real estate for myself and I needed to be my first priority.
Once we pinpointed this pattern, I established healthier emotional, mental, and physical boundaries, or limitations on interactions with certain others and situations, and my life changed. I mean 180 degrees changed! I never knew peace as I do now!... It didn't happen overnight (or at least for me), but I was aware of what I needed and learned to advocate for myself. And understanding boundaries can and do change over time, I am forever grateful to have learned that lesson and enforce those changes in my life. Today, I can identify how when something is off (put simply, I'm lacking peace), one of the first places I go to take inventory is my boundaries. This is a practice I would suggest for anyone once boundaries are learned.
Quick PSA…because I know someone is thinking, “Wait. Isn’t putting me first all the time selfish.” First, let me say I would never advise a client to establish boundaries with the goal of being self-absorbed. I’m definitely not saying we neglect and abandon the people we love and care about. Actually, I’m saying the opposite. There are times we can and should sacrifice for them.
When your boundaries are not defined - or you are doing something, showing up, and going out of your way without actual reasons, then you can cause major harm to yourself and dare I say others.
There are times in our lives when our limits can and do stretch. And thankfully, we are just like rubber bands; made to expand when necessary, just not pass their capacity or limit. What I discovered in therapy is that when your boundaries are not defined - or you are doing something, showing up, and going out of your way without actual reasons, then you can cause major harm to yourself and dare I say others. Just like a rubber band, you can pop! Burnout is a real thing but it’s preventable.
So enough about me... I think I've shared plenty. What about you?
How are your boundaries with yourself, family, friends, job, etc.? Do you agree that healthy boundaries can be a tool you may want to have in your inner healing toolbox? Do you need to make healthier boundaries? Or establish new ones? If you have assessed that you need to establish boundaries or redefine them, you might be thinking - how do I do that? The reality is that it may take additional assistance such as working with a therapist, or a counselor, reading books, speaking with friends and family, etc. And don’t hesitate to let me know in the comments if you’d like to continue the conversation in a series.
You did it! We did it. We journeyed through post # 3 with Grow Authentically. If you found this post to be helpful, share it with a friend. If you want to receive updates on content, resources, and notices of future posts, please hit the subscribe button below to join our email list.
Talk soon!
Growing, Authentically…
This post resonated with me deeply, leading to a profound realization of how much this has impacted my life. I found it incredibly beneficial, as it deeply touched upon my personal experiences. I wholeheartedly urge you to keep the conversation going, and I sincerely appreciate your honesty and transparency.